“I feel thin, sort of stretched, like butter scraped over too much bread.” ― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Fellowship of the Ring
My daughter was mentioning this quote by the character Bilbo Baggins from the The Lord of the Rings series, and it struck me as hilariously accurate. It also felt appropriate for this seaons in which we currently find ourselves.
You see, I have found myself in a bit of an odd conundrum as of late, and that is that I find that I'm all talked out. This may seem like an ironic statement coming from someone who enjoys public speaking and is extroverted. But I never realized that such a season of waiting would involve so much sharing of myself. It's not that I'm frustrated or annoyed that people are asking and checking in on us, but on the contrary. I have been overwhelmed by the outpouring of love, care, and concern. I have to tell and retell the stories of rejection, of waiting, and of anticipation. Which at times can feel a bit exhausting.
We have had the blessing of so many in our community who have shown kindness to us and have been such an emotional support to us. I have far flung friends in North Carolina, Rhode island, Romania, and Thailand, just to name a few locales, who check in with us via Marco polo, zoom, email, or text. I have wonderful older Saints who have given me their time by calling. I'm thankful for Sarah, Ann, Fran, Patsy, Anna, Marissa, Laura, and many many others who are thoughtfully checking in and encouraging us along the way.
I never dreamed this season would be so humbling. So vulnerable. So tiring. It's been a season of trusting and walking by faith. It's been one of carrying on with the daily tasks and doing the next right thing, but wondering what the future holds. As two planner, Type A people, Alex and I can often get caught up in our plans for 3, 6, 9, and 12 months down the road from now. After all, we have a daughter going off to college and trying to make plans for her and our future. But a lot of unanswered questions linger in the air and a fog settles in where we can't clearly see the future and have to rely not by sight but by faith.
And so we scrape by as butter across more toast than we can cover. But all is grace. We know the owner of the Butter Farm! He has enough and will get us what we need when we need it. All is Grace.